I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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