She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize