Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
