guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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