I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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