Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
