i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She needs sedatives and a leash
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
