I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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