I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I could fuck to npr.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
