i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Randomize
