Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
