do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
it hurts more in the daytime
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
