I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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