woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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