I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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