our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
