I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize