I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
