woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
