I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
