he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
