someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
