i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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