And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you didnt know i had herpes?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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