got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
