I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
