I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize