I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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