Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize