i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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