i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
