i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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