Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize