I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
