Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
