i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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