the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
