Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
