this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
