im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
