Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
