Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
