She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize