I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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