I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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