Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
