smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
