Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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