I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
