Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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