we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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