last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
