i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
