oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
