hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
