420 ftw
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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